WHY IS IT THAT MEN DON’T TELL WHEN WOMEN ABUSE THEM? TEACHING PEOPLE ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
I am a counselor for women in the jail setting. I set out to do a survey and out of the 15 women in treatment, 13 had battered the men in their lives. I showed them a movie called, “Men Don’t Tell,” and they started remembering how aggressive and abusive they were towards the men in their lives.
Some of these women reported that they had taken batterer’s intervention classes and identified some of the things they learned:
1.Recognizing red flags before it’s too late
2.Being aware of the volume of their voices when they are raised
3.Recognizing building aggression starting with a compulsion to break things or as they put it, “tearing up the house”
4.Unfounded feelings of jealousy that lead right into rage
5.Minimizing and justifying by saying things like “It’s not all my fault”
6.Yelling and blaming significant others when they are stressed out about something
7.Using sex to control their men
I asked these women this question, “Why do men stay if they are being abused by women?”
Here are some of their answers:
1.They are afraid that if they leave the women will hurt their children
2.They love their children and they want to be around to deflect the blows
3.They legitimately love their wives or girlfriends
4.They can’t get help because there are no shelters for men and no resources so they feel they have no place else to go or call for help
5.They are afraid that if they call the police they will be arrested as the perpetrator
6.They are afraid to call the police because they are afraid their children will be taken away and they may lose custody of their kids
7.They are too embarrassed to tell people the truth and ask their children to lie and cover up the abuse
8.They are “ashamed” of being beaten up by women
9.They try to uphold their tough guy image and don’t want to be seen as “weak” by family or friends
I asked the women this question, “Why doesn’t society take men seriously when a woman hits a man?
I feel society doesn’t think in most cases the woman would be aggressive and hit a man. Women being the weakest of the two usually are the ones that are battered. I think a lot of the situations involving women being the aggressors involve the women possibly having mental health issues, which have not been addressed. A lot of the times biological and chemicals imbalances are involved, too.
Because if a man being bigger than a woman society doesn’t think I’m a woman that would beat a man. My boyfriend and I got into an altercation and I hit him and manipulated him with sex to change his mind about calling the police.
Because society usually wants to see the man as the aggressor. Because they are usually bigger, strong, and more dominant than the female. Society always wants to assume that the female is scared of the male.
I think that society does not take men seriously when it comes to women hitting men because women are usually the smaller ones and men can usually overpower a woman easily. And you don’t usually hear about women beating on men because men usually don’t want to admit it. They are embarrassed of people knowing that a woman is beating up on them.
I believe society does not take abuse on men seriously because men are stronger than women in most cases. Also because it’s more common to have women report abuse than men. So, it’s being documented more by women because men feel ashamed as if they are “less of a man” and don’t reported it often or at all.
Because it bruises the male’s ego tremendously and makes the man feel inadequate.
Because the majority of the time it is the other way around and sometimes it is done so the cops won’t get called.
I think that society doesn’t take men seriously because they don’t think a woman could do such things like that.
Because people feel men should be able to take care of themselves and protect themselves.
Because people just don’t naturally believe that women actually do hit men because of the man being the stronger gender. Men are embarrassed by the fact that the female actually beats on them. Society just doesn’t understand the idea that sometimes the woman is more aggressive because of maybe a prior relationship or marriage. The man I hit didn’t press charges because he loves me.
Because men are usually the aggressor. I hit a man and denied it happening and I played the victim.
Because most of the time it’s the woman that is being battered. I hit a man and said please don’t all the cops my parents will find out. I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again.
Because men are usually bigger than women.
Because men are bigger than women and men are referred to as being more angry them women. Men don’t normally admit being hit by women. Men don’t want other men to judge them about being a wimp. Men don’t want to be belittled.
I don’t think society takes men being abused seriously because the majority of the population don’t think or believe women can be so vindictive.
Link to the movie “Men Don’t Tell” aired by CBS in 1993. I will be doing a review of the movie in the near future.
On March 14, 1993, CBS aired “Men Don’t Tell”, a TV movie about domestic violence starring Peter Strauss and Judith Light. The twist: Strauss’s character, construction executive Ed MacAffrey, was abused by his wife Laura, played by Light.
Link to the book, “Abused Men.” I will be doing a review of the book in the near future as well.